I’m stuck on these feelings I always try to avoid.

I’m stuck on this feeling where I do random things just to keep away from something.

I’m stuck on this feeling where I fake a smile, when all I want to do is cry.

I’m stuck on this feeling of denying what I really feel just to convince myself that everything is okay.

I’m stuck on these, all alone.

I’ll turn 19 in two days. My parents are asking what my plans are for that day, I said I don’t know. I’m just not excited about it.

i remember my first few days in college. during the usual “introduce yourself”, i called myself as “the guy who prefers to be alone than to be with others.” i don’t know, i just feel like being alone sometimes, not always. watch movies alone, buy clothes alone, do things alone. i feel like i’m doing well when i’m by myself. i’m not saying that i don’t enjoy being with my friends and family, of course, i do. it’s just that, i don’t know.

i want to sit and walk somewhere, stare at something, appreciate the simplest things, talk to no one but myself. during these times, lots of thoughts are rushing through my brain, from the simplest to the most delicate. some of my questions are being answered, somehow.

until now, i’m still in the phase of finding myself, searching for what i do best and what i really want in life. 

me: kuya, san pu yung B.I.R.?

tricycledriver1: ahh, jan. jan

me: papasok po?

tricycledriver2: hinde, lalabas…

me: thank you po!(to tricycledriver1)

me: (while walking away) FUCK YOU!!